Sign Up for Our Newsletter Show Question: Hello. My husband and I have been married 1 year. We both have a son from previous relationships. They are only 3 months apart and are now seven years old. They were friends before we were even dating. There personalities are very different.
My son's great qualities are that he is athletic, sensitive, outgoing etc. My step son's great qualities are that he is very intellectual, responsible, laid back etc. My son's weaknesses are that he is whiny, independent yet he can be a follower and hard headed. My step son's weaknesses are that he is very immature, manipulative and a know it all (If he doesn't know he will act like he does). I am telling Answer: Dear Wendy, When trying to solve very difficult problems like this, sometimes it is helpful to take a step toward understanding what is going on for the people involved. It may be easiest to take a look at what is going on for you, but it is also important to try to see the world from the point of view of your step son. We call this "seeing the world with the child's eyes." Lets start with your step son. Of course I am guessing, because all I really have is the information that you sent me. But if I were living in his world it might seem pretty chaotic. At some time in my relatively recent past (for a seven year old everything is recent) the world as I knew it, with Mom and Dad and me kind of blew up. Mom and Dad separated, got divorced and then Dad got remarried. When I lived with Mom and Dad I was the only kid...and I got pretty much what I needed...or I could figure out how to get it...even though they weren't happy. But now I live in two places....with Dad there is another kid...and he is nice and all that...but it is hard to know how I really fit in. Sometimes it seems like even Dad likes him better than me. And of course he is more special to his mom. Lots of times I feel kind of lost. It is hard to know what to hang on to. It is hard to know what kind of chaos will happen next. I try to make things work for me...but it doesn't always. Life doesn't feel very stable...even though I know that they (adults) are doing their best.....etc. This is just a guess of course...it may not really be what is going on in his head exactly...but it would be very typical of what would be going on inside the head of a normal 7 year old boy in his situation. And it would be
very normal for him to have a hard time talking about it (most especially with his step mom who he is just beginning to know). In fact it would be normal for him to say it isn't so...though his body language might say something different. Jody McVittie, M.D. PS. After I wrote this, I realized that sharing my own story might be helpful. I had an animal like "Buck," a very weird looking dog named Boswell. I don't remember everywhere that Boswell went with me, but he was around a lot. What I do remember is how much of a comfort he was on days that it seemed like nothing went right and that no one could hear me or when I didn't feel safe or comfortable sharing my night time tears with anyone else. At age 48 I still have this very, very ugly, slightly salty, yellowish grey stuffed animal that no longer really resembles anything. Why keep such a thing? Because he sort of seems "real" now, maybe a little like the Velveteen Rabbit. I stopped "needing" him long ago but having him there when I did need him helped me enormously and I am grateful that my parents did not make an issue of him. What is stepchild syndrome?In evolutionary psychology, the Cinderella effect is the phenomenon of higher incidences of different forms of child abuse and mistreatment by stepparents than by biological parents. It takes its name from the fairy tale character Cinderella, which is about a girl who is mistreated by her stepsisters and stepmother.
What is expected of a stepmother?The stepmother role should be based on what's comfortable for her, the children, and the family as a whole. Stepmothers will always share their husband with his children for the rest of their married life. A strong bond may exist between and husband and his children from a prior marriage.
How can I be the best stepmother?How to be a good stepmom. Spend quality time together. The first step to building strong relationships with your stepchildren is ensuring that the time you spend with them is quality time. ... . Listen well. ... . Go out as a family unit. ... . Attend monumental events. ... . Be respectful.. What should the role of a step parent be?Your role as the stepparent is to do your best to have a respectful relationship with the ex. The ability to coordinate visitations, holidays, school events and sports goes a long way to your role as trying to make your blended family as healthy as possible.
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