In a recent New York Times opinion article by Lara Bazelon, a professor at the San Francisco School of Law, argues that divorce can be a “radical act of self-love”. She details her own experience with divorce and how it ended up making a
positive impact on both her own life and her relationship with her children. She also reviews conversations she had with other women who had been through divorce. While it’s acknowledged that divorce can be difficult and painful, most of the people the author spoke with found it liberating. “Everything is my choice and I am in charge” one woman happily reported about her post-divorce living space. She also discusses the idea of staying
together for the kids, and what that really accomplishes. While every marriage is unique, the author paints a very grim picture of the actual benefit from “staying together for the kids”. The idea being that when two people are not happy together, every behavior they model becomes a bad example for the children who are trying to learn what a healthy relationship looks like. If days of icy cold interactions or silent treatments are followed by explosive arguments and resentment,
it might be time to ask what you are really doing for your children by staying together.
Divorce is a challenging and rewarding journeyFor most married people considering divorce, they will find that there are challenges and difficulties, as well as the promise of great benefit on the other end of it all. The part that makes it scary is that it’s the promise of great benefit in the future in exchange for difficulty right now. That “pay now – enjoy later” can be an unattractive proposition to the risk averse. That’s not to even mention how the status quo in our lives makes us feel safe and is difficult to change. A Message From the Other SideAs people we all need to learn to move forward with scary challenges – especially challenges that don’t have an immediate or tangible payoff. This author offered reassurance and hope for people who were unhappy with their marriages but scared about initiating a divorce. Nothing should stand in the way of your happiness – you are your best self when you are happy. If you have questions about any family law matter, the Law Office of Michael L. Maguire & Associates is ready to help you.  In recent years, our society has made divorce more acceptable, which has led to much higher divorce rates than in previous generations. However, society’s view on post-divorce life has not received similar treatment. But, we could rethink of divorce as an act of radical self-love and reinforce its positive, healthy benefits. The post-divorce mythsFrom the Simpsons to multiple sitcoms and movies, post-divorce life is depicted extremely negatively. The divorced dad living with just a mattress and chair in a dirty, tiny apartment is a common trope. And, for woman, it is not much better. Divorced women, especially mothers, are depicted as ever-struggling financially and alone. For kids, they are tormented by abusive or uncaring stepparents, bullied by new stepsiblings or replaced by the children of subsequent marriages. Indeed, it is no wonder that unhappy couples have a thousand excuses to stay together because they think that is their only and best option. We cannot divorce, we have kidsKids are one of the most cited reasons for staying together because we are often told about threats to a child’s wellbeing because of divorce. However, what we often do not think about is the threats to a child’s wellbeing as a result of marriage. Think about it this way, do unhappy marriages produce happy, healthy children? Probably not. After all, resentment grows, which leads to even more negative emotions and strife. That is also for relationships that do not have any emotional or physical abuse. For those marriages, the consequences are graver. This is where the idea of divorce as radical self-love occurs. Radical self-love and divorceThe idea of divorce as radical self-love came from the idea that we have to love ourselves first before we can have a happy, healthy marriage. In other words, if a couple is better off (happier, freer to pursue their passions, etc.) apart, staying together is the unhealthy option. It is about loving oneself enough to know when it is time to say, enough. Opting out is an optionFor Los Angeles, California, residents in unhappy marriages, opting out with a divorce is an option. It can be the ultimate form of self-love to find one’s bliss, which will make raising happy and healthy children much easier. How do you love yourself in a divorce?How to Use Self-Love to Get Through Divorce. Allow for Grief. No matter how you slice it, divorce is an ugly thing. ... . Avoid Burnout. ... . Get Support. ... . Stop Judging + Let Your Feelings Take Center Stage. ... . Trust Yourself. ... . A Mantra A Day…. What is the root of divorce?“Divorce” comes from the Latin word “divortium” which means separation. It is also equivalent to the word “divort” or “divortere.” “Di” means apart and “vertere” means to turn to different ways. Divertere was also referred the meaning of divert, turn aside, separate or leave one's husband.
What are the emotions of divorce?It's normal to feel sad, angry, exhausted, frustrated and confused—and these feelings can be intense. You also may feel anxious about the future. Accept that reactions like these will lessen over time. Even if the marriage was unhealthy, venturing into the unknown is frightening.
Can divorce be liberating?Talking to the subset who are divorced, I found a common theme, even a sisterhood: Divorce is painful and heartbreaking. But it can also be liberating, pointing the way toward a different life that leaves everyone better off, including the children.
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Divorce can be an act of radical self love
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